Talking with children about death

I am going to share information in a series of posts about talking with children of different ages about death. Look for more to follow.
Here are some basic pieces of information:
1. Death is a reality that children, like all of us, can learn to live with. It is as natural a part of life as birth is. Children see death every day from plants that whither and die, animals on the road, pets, etc.
2. Even before the death of a close family member or friend occurs, parents and teachers can begin to introduce the idea of death as a part of everyday life. The news, a trip past a cemetery, a dead plant, bird or pet might spark a conversation.
3. Start early and be honest with children before it becomes an event they have to deal personally with. Talk openly about the feelings and your beliefs. It will help you also.
4. Because understanding death is a gradual process it helps to have more than one conversation. Children will take in the information they are ready for and their understanding will develop over time.
5. Children feel the loss of loved ones just as intensely as adults do but they might not understand the why. Their grief is often represented through heir play as they try to understand things.
6. Adults need to help children understand that unhappy times have endings. Sometimes children think their unhappiness causes discomfort to adults so they hide their feelings.
7. Distinguish between grief and mourning. Grief is the label for a set of emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physical reactions following he death of a loved one. Normal responses include denial, emotional numbing, anger, rage, anxiety, sadness, fear, confusion, difficulty sleeping, regression in behavior, upset stomach, loss of appetite, or hysterical reactions.
8. There can be cultural behaviors that help or hinder a child's understanding of how to cope with the strong feelings associated with loss.

My 12 year old won't listen to me

In my class this semester I have a student that says that all adolescents are selfish, don't do anything their parents tell them to do and they are just biding their time until they can get out of the house and be on their own. My reply to her was, "you have a long wait if you are looking for the time when he leaves." This is not the first time that I have heard this in my Youth and Adolescence class. Rather than sending them to work on a task, how about doing one with them. Instead of looking at their faults, how about looking for the good. I have a lot of students who are in their early 20's but say that all teenagers are hopeless and more difficult than any prior generation. You largely get what you are expecting. Look forward to being involved and invested in your teens life. They not invite you in but they want you there.

What kind of child do you want?

Parents often ask me questions about their children and the "misbehavior" that they are having a hard time dealing with. What they laugh off in private becomes of concern when it takes place in public. Here are the keys to getting what you want.
1. Be a role model of what you want from your children in thought, action and speech. Don't be surprised when they act and talk like you.
2. Take advantage of the teachable moments, but do not think there is a lesson in everything. How would you have liked it if your every action had been an opportuntity for a lesson from your parents. This generation of parents is seeking to counter every ill of society and children are the victims.
3. Do things as a family. Figure out what you and your family value. Is it travel, sports, reading, swimming, service, etc. My children have been in about 40 of the 50 states. Pretty cool.
4. When you want to change a behavior look deeper than the obvious. Watch, listen and think.
Kids are only as good or bad as you raise them.

Hair pop or pants pop?

My son reminded me yesterday about the question, "Hair pop or pants pop?"

Many years ago at what was I think one of my children's birthday party I had a 2-liter of 7-up and a 2-liter of orange and when I asked what they wanted they all said orange. I was not sure if I would have enough of just the one kind so I rephrased the question. I as you know have orange (red) hair and one of the kids was wearing green pants. So I asked, "Who wants hair pop and who wants pants pop," (tieing the color of the bottle to something else). Like I expected the kids adjusted their choices and about half wanted hair and about half wanted pants. Ever since then my kids have continued to call them that. With a little creativity parents can head off potential problem situations.

Children with special needs

When dealing with children with special needs remember two things. 1. They are kids first and they will have many characteristics of all children for or about their age. 2. Look to their abilities and not to their disabilities. Go to www.imtyler.org and click on the link to watch the video. I promise you it will give you a whole new view on working with children with special needs.

How to deal with children after turning 18

A parent recently asked me about dealing with her 18 year daughter who still lives at home but is in her freshman year in college. The daughter likes to be out with her friends and may give her mom a list of 5 different places she "may" go after work. her daughter worked from 8 - 5 then went to a friends house, then out to dinner, then over to another house to watch a movie and then over to another friends house for a late night (10:30 pm) ugly sweater contest and holiday party. At 11:15 the mom gets a text on her phone that says, "Have not left yet, will be really pregnant." The mom tries to get a response and no one answers. She has no phone numbers for any of her daughter's friends. She asked what I would do.

Turns out her daughter and her friends were watching some cable show about women who give birth that didn't know they wee pregnant and she was texting at the same time. She had meant to write "Have not left yet, will be really late."

And teens wonder why parents worry. I said I would have texted back, "don't worry, I called the and they are on the way."

The child just keeps on crying and will not stop

What do you do with a young child who just keeps crying and you can not get them to stop? This was a recent question and I was around at the time so I could see the whole part rather than just taking the mother's word for it. The mom was stressed and in a hurry as she whisked him from place to place as she tried to get everything on her list done. he was stressed, tired, it was past his morning snack and normally he would have been resting a little bit before a quick nap. Instead he was not home or at his child care so the environment was different as well. Surprise, he was cranky. He would start to quiet down a little bit until him mom looked at him and then he would break out in more loud crying. Interestingly he was having a hard time manufacturing tears. That is a good sign that he is more mad than anything else. After 15 minutes of battle, mom pulled out his blanket and laid it out, gave him a soft toy, talked quietly with him for a minute and gave him a cookie. Before the cookie was 1/2 gone he was a sleep and she had 30 minutes that were uninterrupted to finish what she needed. He was being what he was supposed to be. A two year old.

Interesting thinking

Student: I learned so much about the poor outcomes for couples that live together before getting married and when you said that students typically say, "that is all true except for my case, I agree. I live with my boyfriend and we are different."

Teacher: So what made you choose living together over marriage?

Student: Because I am a good Catholic girl and my mother would rather see me living with someone than getting divorced. You just can't imagine how hard that would be, to tell my mom that my marriage didn't work out. This way if we break up she will be okay with it.

Playing Keep-a-way with two year olds

A friend asked the other day about how to handle t when her two year old takes something from her younger sister and then when told to give it back seems to do exactly the opposite of whatever she was told to do. Surprise!

Here are some basic facts for dealing with two year olds.
If you say "No" or "Don't" then all they hear is stop. But not stop doing that. They hear stop moving or freeze. So they wil stop moving for a brief time and then they will go right ahead with what they wee doing because they don't have the ability to think in terms of reversing their actions. When you say something simple like, "Don't take the baby's toy." it is asking the child to understand that don't means something like the reverse of what follows. Any word that they don't know what to do with they lop off of the sentence ans so what youa re left with is, "Take the baby's toy."

Another thing is that they love it when you play games with them and they like the interaction. The problem is that they don't know how to initiate the interactions. So if they take something and it illicits a response from you, they think, "oh, I got their attention, I will now do >>>> and we will be playing." This is just a part of development so you have to consider where they are and work them gradually into your world.

Two-year-olds also get centered on objects. So once it is in their hand they have a hard time separating what you are saying from what they are wanting. This means you have to physically get engaged and not just verbally. It also helps if you help them to do a positive thing like handing them something to give to the younger child. Model what you want rather than demanding what you don't want to stop.

Moody Teenagers

Ever been around a moody teen? Think back to when you were that age or your children were that age. Share what it took to snap you out of it.

Parents laughing about children's misdeeds

Often when children go astray it is because of a lifetime of parents and relatives laughing off inappropriate behavior. "Watch thing, he is so cute when he hits his brother." "Look at my little man, 6 years old and he has his first tatoo." "Church is boring son, let's go sit in the car." "Go sneak me a cookie and don't let your mother catch you."

Sometimes it is from watching parents repeatedly do something that crosses the line. "No officer, I thought I was going the speed limit." "Put your snacks into your coat and walk in the theater holding them so they don't fall. No one will ever know." "Go ask them for another and tell them you didn't get the first one."

Recently I was at a meeting where a woman said that entering the country illegally is no bigger than driving 5 miles over the speed limit. It was technically probably not right but the greater injustice would be if we didn't let in anyone who wanted to be here. Besides, it is only illegal if you get caught. Maybe it is time to go back to read D&C 134.

Say you are "sorry"

Say you are sorry. Ever hear those words? Parents often tell their children to say they are sorry when they do something "wrong." The only trouble is that as hard as it is initially for children to say them is inversely related to how much they mean them. In fact as it gets easy to say them children end up meaning them less. Parents need to keep in mind the basic principles of repentance. Can you say - Restitution! Saying "I am sorry" is not restitution. In fact, children's aggressive behavior actually increases if they learn that saying "I'm sorry," is a get out of jail free card. Keep thinking of what your child can do to make restitution and if that includes saying "I'm sorry," along with doing something else then it is to be encouraged. Keep in mind that children are concrete learners and they need to do something for it to mean anything.