I encourage everyone to watch the video at the link posted below.  It is a TED talk on Slowing down in a world built for speed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhXiHJ8vfuk&feature=related

Boys, and where they go

Over the years I have been asked by many parents (okay, really just the Moms) about their boys and toilet issues, or more accurately the absence of proximity to the toilet.  Chief among these are the number of boys that will need to go #2 and rather than go into the bathroom they will find a corner out of the way and go in their pants.  Then they may try to change clothes ignore it or tell a parent.  This is most common for boys 3 - 4 years old and seems to impact about 10% of boys. 

Then there is the issue of going #1.  It might start at about 3 years old, but often this does not hit until they are 4 or even 5 years old when they go where the urge hits them.  Things to remember:

1.  Children of this age do no see the world as we do.  They think: "Water in, water out."  "Therefore it is okay for me to go water that plant."  They see a hole in the floor for the heating system and think, "Why go into the bathroom if I can just aim it down there.  It will disappear."  They will think:  "It will just evaporate."
2.  Children do not understand the consequences of their actions.  In much of their life if there was a problem cased by something they did, then their parent has taken care of it and so "if I have not been told not to do something then it must be okay or if not then Mom will fix it."

Look at your child's initial reaction when caught or confronted.  You are most likely to see one of two responses.  Confusion about what the problem is or embarrassment about being caught.  Confusion means they didn't know.  Embarrassment meant that they kind-of knew but didn't think it through.

Can you put an end to it or do you just have to live through it?  Yes you can change the behavior by providing the information that children lack and making sure that they know the reasons as well as the consequences.  Children are concrete learners so they need to do something physically to make things right.  Just telling them not to do something is not enough.  They need to make restitution in some way.  Of course they can't do everything but they can do a significant amount so that they think twice about it.

How to handle this:  This comes best from both parents.  "Billy, you went to the bathroom in the flower vase.  I am concerned because your pee is not the same as water and it will kill the flower (plant).  When you need to go to the bathroom where do you need to go?  Why do you need to go there to go to the bathroom?  How can I help you to remember the right place to go to the bathroom?  Where else is not a place that you should go to the bathroom?  Why? 

What you are doing is laying the groundwork for future discussions and looking for situations where the child might lack information or have wrong information.  When you find those then you know what you need to do.

Sometimes parents think that children act out in this way because they want attention, are seeking to show power or they are angry.  While this is possible it is least likely.  In the vast majority of cases it is because that is the way young boys sometimes process information.

What is the figure used regarding positive vs. negative interactions between parents and children?

I was asked about the issue of positive versus negative interactions between parents and children.  The statistic most commonly used is 8/10 interactions are negative and involve a cost to the child.  The result of a high number of negative interactions is children's selective listening.  If the child thinks that what he/she will hear is negative then they select to not pay attention.  The fix for this is to increase positive interactions so that they child will think that the massage being directed their way is more likely to be positive and so they will want to pay attention.

Children who don't listen

Situation:  I am a nanny for two boys ages 2 and 7 years old.  The two year old I am having no problems with so far but its the older boy I have been having problems with.  The problems I have with him I have also noticed that he is the same for his parents.  One he doesn't listen at all, I am constantly repeating myself over and over to get him to do what I ask. Another is he is constantly wiggling around the only time I have seen him sit still is when he is watching the tv.  Also he is constantly bothering his little brother to the point where his brother screams or ends up hitting him.  The mom and his step dad have set rules.

Answer:  You give a lot to respond to.  First, Listening is a learned skill and for a child who has developed "selective listening" it means retraining them.  The number one reason for selective listening at any age is that they are sure that they don't want to hear what is being directed their way.  Do a mini communication audit by making a simple chart.  Mark down how many interactions between the child and the parent or the child and yourself are positive and how many are negative.  an appropriate balance would be about 7 positive interactions for every 3 negative interactions.  Just because you are recording it you are more likely to make some more positive.  Also keep in mind that interactions that are neither positive or negative are usually interpreted by the child as being negative.  (What constitutes a negative interaction? - Any time that the child is being corrected, directed or managed.  What constitutes a positive interaction? - these are times where you reach out, ask questions, show support, smile, ask for help)

Parents and caregivers also need to know that it takes time to make changes and  you will be both impacting the way you normally interact as well as trying to overcome years of the child thinking they know what will happen.  These are the unwritten rules of communication.  It often happens that the child misbehaves intentionally because they would rather have the parenting style they are familiar with over the one that they don't know where it is going.

Another issue is if a child can function under two or more sets of rules.  The answer to that is yes, it helps if there are common expectations.  In families where children spend time in a care setting they very easily adapt.  I have had many parents that have visited my classroom who said, "How did you get her to behave so well?  We never see that child at home."  Children will live up to or down to the expectations.  They want attention more than any toy you could ever give them.

On the issue of fidgeting, wiggling, and picking on brother here are my thoughts.  Do you think he is doing it for attention? to show he has power/control over the brother? or because he is bored? or because he likes the contact?  Each of these would lead to a different answer and solution.  Another interesting this we see in today's children is that TV is programming children's brains on how much stimulation they feel they want and need.  They teach what is acceptable and not acceptable to an age of child who can not distinguish appropriateness themselves.  If the only time the child is calm is in front of the TV then the child is spending too much time in front of the TV.  he is not learning self restraint and self control.  Everything in his world is outside of himself and he needs help with getting away from the thing he likes the most and that parents often allow because it heps to calm them down.  In the end it is a steady spiral down and the long term impact is that the child will have increasingly greater difficulty.

Make a plan and work the plan.  It will take weeks and not days to see the change.

How to get over the misperception that if you are taking a parenting class you must be a bad parent.

I have the opportunity to teach parenting classes at church.  Often there is a perception that only those who are identified as bad parents would attend.  It is seen much like going to driving school.  You must be doing something wrong.  This analogy is the wrong one because in order to get a licence to drive in the first place you had to take a class and / or test to prove you could handle it.  Where is the test you take for how to be a parent.  There isn't even an owners manual. 

Parents mostly just make it up through thinking about how they were raised or reacting based on their mood at the time.  in the era where we have more knowledge than ever before about every imaginable topic we also resist stepping into the unknown or parenting with a little useful information.

Starting each session there is no introduction of oneself and a listing of parenting failings.  Ninety percent is helping to develop an attitude about parenting that will result in positive interactions and parent/child relationships growing so that the result are happy parents and well-behaved, self directed children.  Ten percent of the time is solving problems. 

Some parents would like the magic ticket to successful parenting.  They want the short-cut.  They want the easy fix or quick answer.  Just like they did not get into the situation overnight, they will not get out of it overnight.  Parenting takes time.  It means being invested in both your own and your child's future.  It means patience.  It means delaying gratification.  It is not easy.

Spanking and Children

I am watching on CNN a discussion on spanking children by someone that has written a book on "biblical chastisement."  He has written a book called "To Train Up a Child."  What most people miss is that in the bible when it talks about "spare the rod and spoil the child" they think of rod = stick.  For those who study languages it is known that in the biblical sense rod = scriptures.  This brings about a whole new meaning.  Families that leave religion out of the children's learning are not providing the essential elements that the scriptures state are necessary.

I might have mentioned this before but spanking itself is not bad but needs to be limited to the very few times when it might be used appropriately.  When teaching parenting skills classes I usually tell parents they can spank a child three times in their growing up years.  Make sure it is for something that is really important, don't waste it.  The result has been that parents have let me know that because of the limit they found themselves always finding some more effective method of disciplining (teaching) because they were sure that something more important would come along where spanking might be needed.

One of my favorite cartoons has a father with his child over his knee.  As he is spanking the child, the parent is saying, "How many times do I have to tell you, NEVER HIT ANYONE!"

Books to share with teens who are suffering from grief and loss

1.  The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia - This is a fable for all ages.  Freddie the leaf illustrates and explored deeper meanings in the delicate balance between life and death.
2.  Losing Someone you Love:  When a Brother or Sister Dies, by Elizabeth Richter - Sixteen young people (ages 10 - 24) describe the fears, sorrow, and other emotions they experienced when a brother or sister died. (non-fiction)
3.  How it Feels when a Parent Dies, by Jill Krementz - Eighteen people (ages 7 to 16) describe their feelings and how they learned to go on in life. (non-fiction)
4.  No Time For Goodbyes, by Janice Harris Lord - Appropriate for older adolescents, this book deals with the sorrow, anger, and feelings of injustice after a violent or sudden death. (non-fiction)
5.  Learning to Say Goodbye, by Eda LeShan - Discusses the questions, fantasies and fears many have when someone close to them dies. (most appropriate for 11 - 13 year olds).

Dealing with disasters

In the wake of the Joplin tornado I have been asked about how it impacts children's play.  One parent was alarmed that every time her three-year-old played she seemed to include a tornado that would come through and knock down her play setting (dolls, stuffed animals, etc.).  This was very distressing to the parent who thought it was having a continued negative impact on her child. 

In fact what is happening is the child is taking control of the uncontrollable.  By incorporating it into her play she makes sense of it and manipulates it to her advantage.  It helps to take away some of the fear and to gain control of her life.  Where children in Joplin are playing tornado, years ago in Louisiana were playing hurricane and those in violence plagued cities play guns.  This is not saying that parents and teachers should take a hands off approach, but that they should recognize what is happening and have conversations with the child to help them talk through the feelings.  View it as a positive and know there are ways to build off of it.

Whining and screaming kids

How do you deal with two and three year olds that whine, cry and scream to get their way? 

This is not really that hard to deal with as long as you have patience, see it as a learning process and model appropriate behaviors.  There are some basic rules.  1.  Do not react emotionally yourself to setbacks.  2.  Respond calmly and with confidence when your child is whining, demanding or melting down.

Here is a simple scenario:  John is a whiner.  He really has been this way ever since he started talking.  He started my class at 22 months and was already capable of going into whine mode for almost anything.  His mother thought it was important to figure out what he wanted as quickly as possible and to provide it, thus ending the whining. 

When I started working with him he would go into his whine and I would just look at him waiting until he would stop.  Then in a calm voice I would say, John, I know you are trying to tell me something but when you tell me that way I can't understand what you are trying to say.  Take a deep breath and tell me again.  John wanted to be heard and wanted his way so he stopped, took a breath and started to tell me again.  Part way through the whine came back.  I said.  John you are telling me something about a toy but I couldn't tell what you wanted for sure so take a deep breath and tell me again.  This time he made it all of the way through (I actually knew what he wanted and understood him the very first time with the whining but I wanted to teach him how to control himself and the manner in which he could get his wants presented.)    I responded, You are letting me know that you wanted to play with the train.  Thank you for letting me know.  Then we went on to see if it was available. 

Within a few weeks the whining had almost disappeared and those times when it came back he could tell by my look that he would have to try again and would often stop himself. The fun part is that I found him using my strategy on other children in the class later that year when they were having a difficult time communicating.

I have used this same strategy with children who are still using a pacifier at 2 - 3 years old (I don't understand what you are saying.  Take out the pacifier and tell me again); with criers, (You are really upset.  When you tell me something while you cry I don't know what you are saying.  Stop crying, take a deep breath and tell me again.)

Questioon about leading/teaching children

Question:   I lead the children's choir. I am new to the position, and wanted to know a top ten list of things people should stop doing when instructing/teaching kids. I've probably picked up some bad habits through the years, and I'd like to be able to eliminate those first before I start adding the "To-Do" things to my list.

In no particular order:
1.  Stop putting "Okay", "Aren't you", or other things at the end of statements which turns them into question.  "We are going to sing ______, okay?"  Often this is thought of as a softening or to not be seen as bossy but it is interpreted as giving a choice.
2.  Avoid having a sing-songy voice.  Those who work with children, especially young children tend to raise their voices an active or two and they start talking in more of a falsetto tone.  This is annoying and inhibits communication.
3.  Your voice and your facial expressions should match.  If they don't then young children ignore the voice and go with what the face it telling them.  I have teachers practice in front of a mirror to be sure that they are not smiling when they say, "It really upset me when you pulled her hair."
4.  Saying you are sorry is not equal to restitution.  Many adults force children to say they are sorry and the children learn that the words do not need to mean anything.  They become "get out of jail free" cards.  Children are concrete learners and need to do something physical to make up for things. To make it right.
5.  Consider the environment.  Children are asked to do a lot of waiting.  Sometimes it is while an adult is focusing on someone else.  You as the leader and the other children are just not that interesting.  Be sure there are visual things around to hold a child's attention during waiting periods.  Think of the collages that most dental offices have on ceilings when you get your teeth cleaned.  They really help.
6.  Avoid focusing on the negative.  Children will stop listening if most of what they hear is negative.  research shows that 80% of what children hear from adults is neutral or negative.  That is how they develop selective listening.  If they assume there is a significant chance that what you are telling them is something they don't want to hear they will tune you out.  You counterbalance that by building up the positive.  Then the corrections are more likely to be effective.
7.  Smile.  Don't take yourself so seriously.  Many people who work with young children and youth seem to be in pain or constipated.  Enjoy them for what they are.  Usually they are doing the best they can.  One of my favorite ages is two-year-olds and they never disappoint me.  In know what to expect and I understand that being two is hard.  Look for the great things.
8.  When talking about the children you work with, tell the good things and not the bad.  Everyone has a bad story and you will not only hear theirs but you will begin having a mindset that tells you about the things you fear.  If you look for and share the great things then that is what you will find and children will give you more.
9.  Change pace every 12 - 15 minutes for children 5 - 10 and more often for younger children.  Be mostly predictable but keep some surprises.  Don't hesitate to reward good efforts and teamwork.
10.  Respect children.  Treat them honestly and fairly.  Remember that what is fair is not always equal and what is equal is not always fair.  Basic principle of life.  Life isn't fair.  Get over it.  Handle it with grace.

What to do about "shy" children.

Some children can be by their temperament more timid than others.  When in different situations it helps to assist them in negotiating it and stretching their comfort zone.  Two stories come to mind.  First is a little girl who every time a new person would come near, she would hide behind her mom's legs.  The mom was embarrassed and said, "This is Becky and she is shy."  This label gives a child justification for the difficult feelings they are having and it validates them if their is a word for it.  What would be a good way to handle it is to say,"This is Beck my daughter.  Becky, this is Mrs. Hanson who is a good friend of mine."  Don't pick up the child but do squat down to be on the child's level.  Make the contact short and positive.  If possible you can even follow that up with having the child hand something to the person or walk with you both as you go somewhere or look at something.  The idea is to demonstrate, a. this is an ok person.  b. it is fine to be hesitant with people you don't know but that you can warm up more quickly with someone who is the parent's friend.

Another story is James.  He was four years old and came to preschool with his father and cried every day for a week.  He attached to me after I finally got his dad to leave but all he wanted to do was to sit and cry.  No tears, but a heck of a racket.  He held on to me tightly.  After seeing for two days that my presence was reassuring but also a limiting factor in his ability to get engaged I started spending the first 3 minutes with him and then let him know that he had a choice.  He coulds sit and cry or he could come with me as I went to play with children in other areas.  He seemed stunned that I would leave him, but it only took about 2 minutes for him to come where I was.  He then wanted to cling and cry where I was and I told him that if he wanted to cry he would need top go back where he was because there was no crying by the toys.  Another thing I know is that children play and engage the world at a higher developmental level when they are taking on a role.  This can be pretending to be a mom or dad of in some chases, Batman or Bob the Builder.  That was just enough for him to go into any new situation and he could interact freely.  The same child that could not walk up to someone as James would walk into situations and announce he was batman or Bob the Builder and have conversations with other children.

The main thing is to keep in mind that children are learning to trust themselves, others, environments, etc. and that usually it is a constant progression. 

Is children's "shyness" a result of parents being overprotective?  Yes and no.  It can be heightened.  Children take their cues from parents on how to act.  If the child falls down and skins his knee does the parent rush to his side and try to sooth the hurt and calm the child?  or the does the parent look at the knee, say, "ouch, I bet that hurts, lets go get it cleaned up." and calmly clean it up?  One will heighten the child's dependence on the parent to take care of things and the other is reassuring while letting the child manage himself.

Do children need to be perfect?

Often I get the chance to be around young children and I love to watch them in their play and how they negotiate their world.  Parents at times find themselves apologizing for their child's behavior in situations that are merely kids, being kids.  (Do you see the connection to the blogs name?)  Parents often attempt to stop any misbehavior that might be judged as inappropriate by other adults that are present.  Kids learning is active and often loud.  The parent does best to help take off the edges and not stop the behavior.  A restricted child is one who lacks confidence and the ability to be assertive and succeed in life.  An indulged child expects the seas to part for them as someone is always rescuing them.  A child without limits never develops the internal controls to put limits on their own behavior.  It is a difficult balance but luckily the balance is not a single point but a broad field where any one of 50 answers might be the right one.  parenting is an uncertain science and both parents and children are learning as they go.