Biting and very youngs

Children when they are in the 18 month age range don't have the words yet to respond to others at their level (other children). Here is a list of things that work with this age range.
1. When you see a child looking frustrated and in a situation where biting is likely get there quickly and calmly. Use words to fill in what you think the child would say to the other child and use hand signals to help send the message. Direct the child to hold up their hand and say "Stop."
2. If you have a child that just appears to like biting things then it is helpful to give the child a biting cloth (small knotted washcloth) that they can pull out and chew on when they are stressed (For the old folks think of Jerry Tarkanian).
3. Sometimes biting is a reflection of a child having tooth issues. Remember the earlier years when the child was teething. They got relief from chewing on one of those cool biting things.
4. So what if you have a child that seems to bite others around the same time of day? I had a boy named David that would bite someone just before snack every day (okay he didn't bite every day, but when he did bite that was when it was). We learned to make him the first one in to wash his hands and head to the snack table and the problem disappeared.
5. With the example of Caroline and Patrick, it was a rare occurance. Biting for that age should be thought of as an aggressive act that can fit easily into one of the four types of aggression. In his case it was instrumental aggression. What he wanted was to get her to stop. After he bit, she stopped.
6. I have only had two children that would look at you and tell you they were going to hurt a specific person or tell that child themself that they were about to get hurt prior to launching an attack. Both cases were children with multiple other issues that they were dealing with and it was important to deal with the individual behaviors while also searching for a more global understanding of what would work. One of these children is now graduating from college with a degree in special education and he wants to work with young children with emotional problems. In his case I had him for two years and the consistency of the methods used to help him made the most difference in his progress.
7. I just thought of another child. This had more to do with the child who was the victim than the biter. She had three different children bite her over a period of a few weeks. They were all about 30 months old and they really thought she was the most wonderful child in the room and they couldn't get enough of her. This was of great concern to her mother who worried that her daughter from an early age had "victim" pinned on her. In that case where we focused on was making her more assertive and developing play skills. That made the difference.

When looking at biting it is important to consider all of the factors and make a judgment. Think about age, developmental abilities and inabilities, situation, who was involved, time of day, location where it happened, where did the bite take place, was it in response to anything or apparently isolated, etc.

What to do if you have a biter

Over the years I have dealt with a few biters. The first thing to do is to consider the age of the child and the time, place and reason for the biting. Here are some simple guidelines to identify the size of the problem.

If the child is between 18 months and 30 months, biting is usually a communication issue. Children of this age do not have the language skills to communicate their wants. I have known children of this age that will bite if someone is approaching them too quickly, if they are frustrated, tired, or upset. This is when it is critical to know the context.

One of my favorite biting stories happened many years ago with a girl and boy in my three year old class. Patrick was a child who often teased, picked on, bullied others (in a minor way that only three year olds can do). Caroline was a little girl that had so many ideas in her head that she loved to share with others what they could do and how (some would call it bossy, but she was really helpful to the more timid children). Patrick was trying to make Caroline leave his favorite play area one day and he was trying just about every idea he could think of. It was early December. Caroline stood in front of him and stated, "Patrick you are a bad boy. You are so bad that you are not getting anything for Christmas this year." Patrick looked worried because Caroline controled a lot in the classroom. he said, "I am too." Caroline responded, "No you are not because I know Santa Claus and I am going to tell hi how bad you are any you are not getting anything." Patrick was looking distressed. Caroline went in for the kill with, "And you know what, you are so bad that even Jesus doesn't love you either." Patrick on hearing that grabbed Caroline's hand and he bit her on the arm.

Some older children bite because it is a strategy that gets them what they want. It is an ultimate response. Infant bite because it is part of exploring their world. Put anthing near their mouths and they will bite, gum, or taste it.

Of the more than 50 biters I have dealt with I have really only had one that totally perplexed me and that was really difficult in making a behavior change and he is a young man with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Delay).

One child's toilet training story

I had a little boy in my preschool class that was about 30 months old. He had been wearing diapers and never made any movement toward wanting to wear underwear. I had a routine of asking children when they were on the changing table if they wanted a diaper or "big boy pants" which I always kept a large supply of for the class. In this case they were Spiderman underwear. He looked at the underwear and said he wanted to wear them instead of a diaper. So I put them on him and off he went to play. Normally I would then check with the child throughout the day to have them use the bathroom but in this case I forgot. In fact I ended up sending him home with his mother and forgot to tell her what he was wearing.

Two hours later I got a phone call from his mom. She said that she thought I had her son confused with someone else. I asked what she meant and she replied that her child was not toilet trained but he had underwear on. Then it hit me. About three hours had gone by since I had put the underwear on him and I was sure she was dealing with a mess. I apologised to her about not letting her know and asked what had happened. She explained that after school they had gone to the mall. I was really getting worried as I could just imagine what had happened. Surprisingly he made it through all of that dry and they were now at home and she wanted him to take a nap, but he would not take off the underwear and put on a diaper. She explained that she was not ready to make the change as it is just easier for her to have him go in the diaper rather than to look for a bathroom for him.

Interestingly that was the last day he wore a diaper. Not that there were no "accidents" but within two weeks he was fully through the process. Sometimes parents are not ready for the changes that children are ready for.

Making memories

A common problem is the bedtime routine for children. Children go through various stages that impact their behavior. When a child gains the understanding that life goes on whether they are involved or not it usually triggers attempts to stay up after bedtime. Parents can help children by having a set routine that includes a final bathroom stop, stories, prayers, tucking in, quiet music in the background and a closed door. Then parents need to make an effort to keep the talking and TV sound level down so that it does not become a distraction as the child is working on sleep. Parents need to be consistent and firm. however also sensitive to children's reactions to nightmares and problem issues they are facing. It is important that parents have a clear understanding of accepted behavior. Children getting up repeatedly is common. If a child can't sleep they need something to quietly occupy their time. Parents also need to check in on their children periodically during the evening.

If a child keeps getting up you need to realize that they came up with their understanding of what they can get away with over a period of time and it is common that it will take a while to get it back into a routine.

Teaching children responsibility

Remember back when your children were little and they wanted to help? What happened to dampen their enthusiasm. Both see the task in their own world view. Parents wanting to have the child do it right and not to create more of a mess. The child sees it as play or "helping" and may need guidance, acceptance, and encouragement. They may also needs to stop and start up again far more often. The child gets distracted easily and without a lot of encouragement and acceptance of effort they will gradually deminish in the interest in doing any task. Eventually jobs such as this are no longer fun or interesting.

Recently in my class a group of students were talking about things such as what direction the toilet paper should hang on the roll, can you squeeze toothpaste in the middle, and is there a right and wrong way to vacumn a floor. There were some in the group that looked like they could come to blows to defend their belief that their way was right and anything less than that was not only wrong, but it was not helpful as they would need to redo the job to make it "right." Then I brought up the loading of the dishwasher and washing clothes. Those are two that even more had views that there were rules about those areas that had to be followed or else the world as we know it might not go on. Who is the problem, the one who has a different way or the one that can't accept another person's helpfulness?

Christmas is coming

Situation: A parent is in Walmart with a child of any age and the child wants to look at the toys. Off the parent goes as he/she likes toys also, or they know that the need ideas for future presents. Often what I see is children begging their parents for a toy right then rather then getting something on a birthday or Christmas. Children need to learn to delay gradification. Parents need to be smarter than their children. Anytime a child finds something they want, encourage them to put it on a list for the future. You will find that not getting it will allow you to judge the child's interest over a period of time. If the want persists then the parent might either consider getting it for one of those special occasions or share the child's interest with others, siblings, grandparents, etc. Parents who walk out of regualr shoping trips with toys, candy, etc. if it was not on the list going in have just told the child that if they ask enough they get what they want. They are taught that they don't need to delay gradification, they just need to keep at it. By making shopping lists you also will learn that you can delay your own sense of "needing" it right now.

How to get kids to whisper?

The best way to get kids to whisper is to whisper when talking with them. Look at them when talking and shorten the distance between you and the child. Then if children are talking to you reverse the process. Bring them close and tell them to tell you quietly. If kids are talking with each other and are too loud then have then practice at the dinner table for a meal as they pretend they are in sacrament meeting. Also parents can help by understanding that 90% of church is boring to children and all they see is the backs of peoples heads. What they have to look forward to is sleeping like the HP.

Finding humor in parenting

Many parents become so upset at their children's thinking that they become trapped in trying to get their point across and forget that they once were where they children are now. This is particularly true when dealing with adolescents. Did you know that all of the information on adolescence now had it lasting until the age of about 24 if the person in question is not financially and emotionally independent from their parents. As adults we expect that our children will begin thinking as we think. Some basic things to think about is that it is OK to make choices that might not be the best "according to you" and that the world will continue to exist. Share your thinking but do not expect your children to thihnk as you do. That way they won't reject it but will include it in how they process information in making their own choices.

Back to the humor. Laugh at yourself and laugh with your child. Find a time for hugs and allow yoourself to be wrong sometimes. Your decisions might have been right for your life but if they can't make their own choices and live by the consequences then they will never learn to trust their own thinking and have much to give to another person and to the world. My kids know most of my dumb stuff I did when I was their age. It lets them know there is still hope for them.

How do you teach or modify the behavior of a child to whom consequences have little or no meaning?

Well, this is a tough one but the answer really doesn't vary much by the age. However the consequences vary greatly by the age. The place to start is with "building meaning" Have you ever taken a puppy for a walk using one of those retractable leashes? The more line is given out the more the dog thinks he/she is in control and the wider he/she roams. When parenting there are two basic approaches. Give more leash and then reel in as necessary or keep a tighter leash and lighten up when possible. What parents need to do is know their child and what will work best. Of course always having to hold the leash and keeping it short takes a lot of time and effort but it really is the only way that children learn about consequences.

Now if the child is older and you try to impose greater restrictions then they will fight it more so it is best to start when they are younger and you can see which methods are likely to be needed whith which child. keep in mind that what is equal isn't fair and what is fair might not be equal. Sit children down and let them see the big picture. Help them to chart the course but then you be the one on the wheel and let them take turns learning the controls. As children get into their teens they begin to recognize some of their own problem areas so it is good to have them identify for you what they want to work on and how you can help them.

Keep in mind that the child with the biggest problems is still just a kid first and someone struggling with coping second and not the other way around.

Spanking versus yelling

The question was asked, "Which is worse, spanking my child or yelling at them?"

It was interesting because the person asking the question was basically saying, "Yes I know that both are not good, but I am going to be doing one of them so please give me something I can do that will not be as bad as if I did the other one."

My answer: Both are not good and I will not give you permission to hit or yell. There are times when each might be an effective strategy, but the problem comes when anything is overused. I tell parents that they can spank their child three times. Not three swats as one person wanted. "You mean I can hit them anytime I want as long as I limit it to three hits?" I mean save it for the big things and you will be surprised how creative you can be when you don't want to waste one of those times.

Now the problem with yelling is that itto sets a model for what is acceptable. If you yell then you will have your child learn to yell back at you, at their friends & siblings, at the pet, and at grandma and grandpa if they get upset. So neither strategy is really effective for the long run.

Parenting question of the week

Do the Little Einstein products and other things marketed to make your child smarter than everyone elses really work?

We are living in a society of the Lake Wobegon effect. Everyone is gifted, everyone is talented. In reality we have for years created the most creative people in the world over the past 50 - 100 years. Part of what builds creativity is non-standardization. Yet what do we try to do, package things, more hours in school, less recess, more tests, etc. Parents are having fewer children and a by-product becomes that they feel more pressure to get it right. Keeping up with the Jones was all about material things and now it is about kids competing. I had a parent ask me if his two year old would be at the top of his class so he could go to Harvard for graduate school.

So do the products help? They impact, but they impact the parents far more than they impact the child. The parent is laying the groundwork for what they value and on what the interactions with their child will be based on. Time would be better spent playing with your child and providing a broad range of experiences. Turn off the TV and play games. Turn of the DVD/VCR and go for a walk, visit a museum, have a picnic. Walk away from the computer and go out for ice cream sundaes.

Class this week

This week class has been on marriage and what you would be willing to do to improve the chances of staying married more than 5 years. It is interesting that few "educated" and fewer "uneducated" people want to learn more about improving marriage. Oh well, they keep paying me to spread the word.