Potty Training

Strong willed children are sometimes a challange when it comes to things like potty training. It means regaining some control while at the same time allowing the child to have some autonomy. It is also interesting that the "apple usually does not fall far from the tree." Hmm, I wonder where I could find a family full of strong willed children. :-) Parents who raise their children in an environment where they gain a high degree of trust, become more self assured as they move into the autonomy of the second year, They then seek more control over everything. Here are a few steps I would suggest.
1. Cut down on how often you check to see if she needs to go to the bathroom.
2. When you do ask, change the question from: Do you need to go potty? Which allows a no for an answer, to: Do you want to go right now or do you want to go in three minutes? 90% of children will want to wait, especially if they like being in charge. Once they made their choice then you are merely enforcing their choice.
3. Have a book or two that are only for in the bathroom.
4. After the child goes in the toilet the party is not over. Children need to spend more time to fully take care of business. Have them stay until the story is over, the timer goes off, etc. so that they give their bodies a chance to relax from the tensing it does after going a little bit. It is interesting that a large number of children will actually mess their pants within 20 minutes of peeing in the toilet because their bodily functions are not in sync.
5. Use a reward for being successful for a whole day for a child that is almost three years old. They are old enough to understand what you are asking. When accidents happen, say "that's okay we can try again tomorrow." If you think a full day is too long a time then go in half days.
6. Involve the child in clean up but don't make it too special.

Rules

I was asked which is better, few rules that are consistently enforced or many rules with intermittent enforcement. You could just as easily add many rules that are all enforced, but that would be exhausting for the parent and the child. This is an easy one to answer but one within the impelementation gets difficult.

Few rules that are on the things that are most important and that are broad enough to cover a range of situations. Rules that concern the rights of others, safety, concern for property are important and things that children of all ages (2 and above) come to understand. Other things fall into the category of things to store away for discussions such as at bedtime, dinner, a family evening together. Parents have a tendency to try to "fix" children's behavior through establishment of many rules. Years ago this was viewed as an attempt to "civilize the child." Sometimes parents can find a variety of ways to put everything the child does into those three categories. Don't over do it.

Once children are about five you can even start periodic conversations about what rules they think you have for them that they like and what ones they don't like. This brings out an opportunity for both discussion (listening and sharing) as well as reflection on what aspects is the child ready to take over for themselves rather than you being the monitor. Remember that this will not mean at any age the child will no longer do what "bugs" you, but just that the day-to-day management of that issue is being shifted to the child.

Helping children deal with difficult times

As parents there are a lot of times when we are dealing with stressful situations that we want to"protect" our children from. This might be work, health, or relationships related. The first thing to know is that children are impacted by anything that impacts you. Therefore when a child is upset it is sometimes difficult to know if they are reacting to the normal things that impact a child of that age or if they are feeling the stress from your situation.

Next, know that children find comfort in the consistent and familiar. Routines and expectations provide the structure within which children live their lives. Try to keep things as "normal" as possible. In addition to that be sensitive to the need to listen more and talk less. Children need you more than they need your directions. Allow yourself a "time-out" if you need a break.

There are also some great children's books on a variety of topics that are good conversation starters. Keep in mind that you need to read through the whole book and make the best choice rather than just selecting a book because it deals with that topic. It would not work, for instance to read a book about divorce that ends with the family living happily separate if that is not the real outcome. Children will remember the story longer than your words or, "but that won't happen to us."

Teaching children self control

Effective methods of teaching self control in children ages 3 - 7 is through fun activities.
1. Play "Simon Says" or "Mother May I."
2. Encourage children to read to each other (even if they can't read words they can read the pictures) and then you or other child as an audience have the role of listener. Your job is to listen to the story as told and ask a question at the end. Then trade places. Younger children can be given a picture of ears to help remind them of their role.
3. Have children help set the table for meals, rather than them just showing up and finding everything already ready for them.

What other things can you think of that require patience?

There was a famous Russian study back in the 1950's where children were told to "stand still" for as long as they could. They lasted two minutes. When asked to pretend they were "soldiers on guard who were standing their posts," they were able to stand still for eleven minutes. Give them a role.

Guiding Principle

Life is not fair,
Get over it.
Handle it with grace.

These simple words say so much and can be used for teaching children and adults of any age. When something goes wrong, don't blame others. When your child is feeling wronged, help them move on. I was watching the reactions of the ump and the pitcher in the Indians/Detroit game this week. What a great situation to point out to our children.

Accept responsibility
Move on and do your best.

Talking with children about race

I was reading a great book that addressed research on a variety of issues. One topic was discussions about race. Children are often seen as being color blind, but in reality even the youngest children start classifying things into simple categories (like me, not like me). However that does not mean that they are biased in their behavior. That comes as they get older. Even when asked by researchers to address issues of race in discussions with young children only about 10% of white families actually did while 86% of black families did. African-American families often did so as a means of preparing their children for potential racism they might encounter (which also might have sensitized them so that they assumed some things were racially biased that were not). White families just felt uncomfortable with the whole topics and felt that if they didn't know what to say or how to say it they should ignore it.

What to do? Many topics are good for including at an early age. Does your young child have both white and black baby dolls? How about picture books? Are a variety of races depicted? To be effective conversations about race have to be explicit and in terms that children can understand. Even a concept that parents think children understand, they don't at a young age (What does equal mean?) When talking about historical events it is important to talk about the context and to not just brush over them. As children get older talk about their thoughts and feelings and help them to be accepting. If you know stories or jokes that have racial overtones then do not pass them on to the next generation. Make the decision to set your children up to overcome the challenges of prior generations.

Increased concern about praise of children

For years there has been a focus on raising children's self esteem through praise. There is increased alarm that we are creating a generation who feel they are entitled to what they want with very little effort. Bad self esteem = everyone thinks I am great and I don't have to do anything to get attention and if I want more attention I just have to do minimal amounts.

Real Self esteem, the kind you do want = Competence, Worth & Control. Competence is having some real knowledge or skills that allows you to perform something at a valued level. Worth is that you have value to yourself and others. Control is that as an individual you can make choices and are able to control your actions.

Telling children how smart or skilled they are is empty praise and the result is that children stop trying because they become praise junkies and they are afraid of failure. Failure is a part of growth. There is little in life that you get right the first time. Parents need to expect real effort and real results from their children and the comments should be reflective of effort given and discussions about what learned, rather than empty words. As the saying goes, self praise goes little ways. Many parents when they praise their children are really in an odd way praising themselves.

Why do you have balloons under your shirt?

One of my college students was asked by a three year old why she wore balloons under her shirt as the child touched her chest. She wanted to know what to say.

Answer in simple language using accurate terms. If the child is ready for the beginning discussion then letting the child know that some body parts are considered private is appropriate.

Sample: You are curious about my chest. Women have differnt chests than boys and men do. (This is a good example of answering a question without going too far. if the child has more questions then he/she will ask and then you can give more information.)

Dealing with death: Helping 3 - 6 year olds

Typically a child will not understand that death is permanent. The child may think of it as temporary or magically reversible, or may even appear to be unaffected. Fears that dead people may be cold or hungry in the grave are common. There may be a belief that life goes on just like walking through a door and that they can go visit. Young children might not react immediately to a loss or express grief in adult terms. Because of the limit of what children know they are often very curious about many of the concrete details about death without dealing with the emotional loss. Expect questions about the coffin, the funeral, burial, etc.

Child's reaction:

• May have frightening dreams, repaeat questions about death, may revert to earlier behaviors.
• Children may play out the events surronding death. Children of this age will take words literally. Since children have limited experiences, they may make sense of the world by connecting events that don't relate. For example: Aunt Betty had a headache and she died. Daddy has a headache. maybe he will die too.

How to help:

• Look into the child's eyes and touch the child gently when discussing death.
• Shorten time away from the child. Be sure he or she knows where you are and how to reach you.
• Avoid words such as sleeping, resting, loss, passed away, taking a long trip when describing death.
• Talk about what it means to be dead in concrete terms such as someone doesn't breathe, eat, go to the bathroom or grow.
• Repeat simple, honest explanations as often as the child asks.
• Reassure the child of his own safety and your plan for continued presence. Share that most people die when they are older.
• Allow expressions of feelings such as drawing pictures, reading and telling stories about death or the loved one, or reenacting the funeral service.

More on ages and stages and dealing with death: Birth to 3

Newborn to 3 years old:
Even the youngest of children sense when their family routine is disrupted and those around them experience emotional upset. However, infants and toddlers have little understanding of death. The best thing to do is even at this age to deal with death as being a part of life. Plants die, pets die, etc. This is the beginning of dealing with it.

How are children likely to react to the stress going on around them?

• You might see changes in sleeping, eating and mood.

How can you help?

• Keep routines and physical setting as familiar as possible.
• Provide constant nurturing. If a parent is too distraught, seek a caring adult substitute.

Singing and two year olds

I was teaching my class on toddlers yesterday and we happened to be having a day where students could bring two year olds that they knew for a kind of watch, listen, and learn session. I talked with them about the value of singing in the classroom as a means of building children's language skills. I then said, watch and see what happens. All of the children were busy playing with sand, blocks, hitting musical instruments, etc. I started singing a simple little song that I have used thousands of times with toddlers and almost immediately all of the movement stopped. The noise of the children exploring the materials stopped. All of the children looked over at me. Toddlers are not good at doing two things at once and as long as they are paying attention to the song they stop and watch. I then went on to talk about how this is a useful technique if you are trying to stop a behavior or redirect a child. Adults can think, sing and fix things at the same time and by the time the song is over the play has been re-established and the children are ready to go back to work.

Talking with children about death

I am going to share information in a series of posts about talking with children of different ages about death. Look for more to follow.
Here are some basic pieces of information:
1. Death is a reality that children, like all of us, can learn to live with. It is as natural a part of life as birth is. Children see death every day from plants that whither and die, animals on the road, pets, etc.
2. Even before the death of a close family member or friend occurs, parents and teachers can begin to introduce the idea of death as a part of everyday life. The news, a trip past a cemetery, a dead plant, bird or pet might spark a conversation.
3. Start early and be honest with children before it becomes an event they have to deal personally with. Talk openly about the feelings and your beliefs. It will help you also.
4. Because understanding death is a gradual process it helps to have more than one conversation. Children will take in the information they are ready for and their understanding will develop over time.
5. Children feel the loss of loved ones just as intensely as adults do but they might not understand the why. Their grief is often represented through heir play as they try to understand things.
6. Adults need to help children understand that unhappy times have endings. Sometimes children think their unhappiness causes discomfort to adults so they hide their feelings.
7. Distinguish between grief and mourning. Grief is the label for a set of emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physical reactions following he death of a loved one. Normal responses include denial, emotional numbing, anger, rage, anxiety, sadness, fear, confusion, difficulty sleeping, regression in behavior, upset stomach, loss of appetite, or hysterical reactions.
8. There can be cultural behaviors that help or hinder a child's understanding of how to cope with the strong feelings associated with loss.