Thoughts about home schooling

 I was asked my thoughts about home schooling and pluses and minuses.  First this is a big topic that one posting would not do Justice to cover.

A few thoughts:

1.  Anyone that has been in education for a while sees cycles/trends.  30 years ago it was common to hear parents complain about the education system.  “The schools are bad, except in our district.”  That progressed to, “Schools are bad even in our district except for our school.”  Then came, “The educational system and schools are bad, teachers are bad, except for my children’s teachers.”

2.  Parents for years have felt that because they went through the educational system, that they could be teachers just as good as someone who was formally trained to be a teacher.

3.  Teaching is both an art and a science

4.  When questioned about what they remember about almost any age, research has shown that parents/adults have poor memories.  

5.  Education includes not only facts, processes, terms, principles, etc. but also how people think.  

6.  Children benefit greatly by hearing from a variety of voices and learning to adapt to a variety of setting.

7.  There are far more parents doing a poor job home schooling their children than are those doing an excellent job.

More to follow

Building a sense of community with preschool.

 With young children the first thing to consider is that they are learning new things every day.  Don’t assume they know how to sit together at group.  Don’t assume they know how to work together at clean-up time.  Don’t assume they know what to do when playing a game like Duck, Duck, Goose.  Don’t assume they know what is meant by line up?  Everything may be new and even if the concept isn’t new, the setting is and they are still finding their way.

At group time a common practice is to use carpet squares to help children know where to sit.  In my classroom I would use colored plastic tape.  Sometimes it would be shapes on the floor, spaced far enough apart so that children were not encroaching on another’s space.  Or I would use the tape to make a large rainbow for the children to sit on.  Each color would be about 3” from the next in a rainbow shape.  Sometimes if it fit a particular theme I would use contact paper to stick a picture of something to the floor.  In those cases I would have the kids sit behind the picture rather then right on it.

At clean up time I stressed that clean-up is a part of play and not a separate time.  The children would start cleaning up about two minutes after we would give them the 5 more minutes of play warning.  Children had the choice of picking up things, handing things to another child to put away or having someone else hand things to them.  Additionally all during play time if a child was leaving an activity they would either put it away or organize it for the next person to use.  I used the same strategies with 2 year olds through 5 year olds with minor variations by ge and it was effective with all.  Children use spaces and materials based on how they find them.  If it is messy then their play will be disorganized and likely not last long.

Helping children find a place to play.  Within my classroom we stressed helping children entering play.  As a child was entering a play space that meant the role of the adult is to recognize the child needs a place and materials and in some cases a role to play.  I would say something like, “Hi John, would you like to use the red truck or the green one?” Or some other thing that brings the child in.  Otherwise there are some children that will feel that the play and materials need to be broken down and restart for them to have a place within the play.  I have seen many children that enter play like Godzilla, tearing things down so they can fit in.  Similarly there are some that feel they need to knock everything down as they leave.

Learning new skills for working with children

 As a college student I had a course that dealt with guidance of children and I felt that I had a certain knack for working with individual children.  However the best experience of my professional life came when I was hired as an instructor and supervising teacher with Michigan State University’s Child Development Laboratories.  My first semester there I was required to attend a course taught by a faculty member who was the Director of the program (Dr. Marjorie Kostelnik).  It was important that I learn the specific skills taught because I would be required within my job to give direction and feedback to the students in the lab about their use of guidance skills.  This also meant that I had to be a good role model in using those same skills.  I can say that those Thursday evenings were some of the best professional development experiences of my career.  A couple of years later Marjorie and others turned that course into a textbook, Guiding Children’s Social Development.  

Throughout my career I have given over 100 workshops to parent and professional audiences about various content in that book.  It is important to remember that learning a new skill takes time and practice.  Children will sometimes act out for a short while because you are not handling things the way you might have in the past.  Stick with it.  Remember the goal of all guidance is to help children to be self disciplined and effective social problem solvers.  These skills will do just that.

When does a parent's "wants" become a problem?

Too often today children are given the message that they are growing up in tough times.  That today's world is so much harder than any other time in history.  Along with this is the prevalence of helicopter parents and bulldozer parents who want to make their every experience a success.  On the other side there are those that opt for "free-range" parenting styles.  One gives the message that children can't succeed and parent anxiety increases child anxiety.  The other is that nothing matters other than what the child wants.  

Another issue plaguing learning and education is the belief that feelings = facts and theory = truth.  Parents and others have long felt empowered to control or influence schools.  The idea that, "I was a student in all of the grades and graduated from school therefore I am qualified to tell teachers and administrators (trained professionals) how to do their jobs.  While we see this happening a little bit in other professions where someone will google something and then presume to tell a Dr. not only their condition, but also what treatment they expect, no other occupation has had the long history of parent encroachment that teaching has had.  Schools have always been open to parent input and want parents as partners, not bosses.

Here is a situation that was replayed many times over the years of teaching at the university level.

Mom is upset that her daughter is getting a C in a class that she needs to get into the desired program.  It is likely that she will need an A to be accepted.  The daughter has the option of retaking the class but that is not what the daughter wants to do.

The mom called the President's office of the university to complain about the instructor.  Someone that has a Ph.D. in the content and has been teaching it for over 8 years.  The President's office passes the mom on to the Provost's office (Vice President over Academics), who passes her on to the College Dean over the department.  Then I get a call as the department chair asking about the situation and if I have had contact with the parent about this and with the instructor.  The parent has never contacted me and I was unaware of any issue.  An additional factor is the university faculty are bound by the FERPA regulations which do not allow the sharing of a student's academic experiences with anyone, including the parent, unless we have written approval by the student.  This is usually extremely frustrating for parents as in many cases they are the ones paying for the student to be at college.

I call the mom and she wants:  1.  the professor fired, 2. her daughter to be allowed to retake every low score exam (not only one time but as many times as needed until she can "earn" an A on every test and every assignment).  3.  for her daughter to be automatically be allowed into the chosen major even though she has not earned the requisite GPA.  The mom also lets me know that she and her husband are donors and that if these things do not take place then they will stop donating to the university and will pull their daughter from the university and their other children will not be allowed to attend our university.

As in the other situations I was able to resolve things to the satisfaction of the parent and her daughter.  No one was fired or reprimanded, the daughter had a few choices to make including choice of a major (which she ended up changing to something in my department) and letting her mom know that she was an adult who can handle things herself.  Interestingly the mom had two other daughters that ended up majoring in disciplines within my department and the mom told many friends that if they ever had issues with their child at the university (even in other departments they should call me and I would help them.

Parents, throughout their child's education are and should be strong advocates.  But there is a limit to that input and they are not the bosses of the teachers and administrators.

Aggressive Two - Four Year olds

 As a parent we all want our children to be assertive but not aggressive toward others.  The types of aggression are dealt with in an earlier post so right now I will share a few authors that have good stuff.

Joanna Faber and Julie King. How to talk so little kids will listen.

Aubrey Harris and Breana Sylvester. Toddler discipline for every age and stage.

Parenting a strong willed child

Marjorie Kostelnik, Anne Soderman, Alice Whiren and Michelle Rupiper.  Guiding Children’s Social Development and Learning.  This book is a college textbook but is an easy read and resource.  I have given it out to many parents who are seeking first to understand and then to shape their children’s behavior.

Been away for a while:

A question was asked yesterday about what do you do with a 3 - 5 year old child who seems totally confused about what he or she wants and is in tears.  It is turning into a battle of wills and the parent feels like they are on the losing side.  Nothing seems to work.

Stay tuned.

Adolescent thinking

For those of you that wonder about adolescent thinking I will share two things with you that might help when things don't make sense.

The first is a video on YouTube - www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-9sjvitKWA. What you will learn is that even for the brightest, mature teen, when emotions come in to play their brains are not significantly wired to overcome those emotions. This means that when discussing things with teens that the conversations need to take place prior to the situation and be done calmly.

The second comes from the book, NurtureShock, and it deals with issues of conflict. "In the dictionary, the antonym of honesty is lying, and the opposite of arguing is agreement. But in the minds of teenagers, that's not how it works. Really, to an adolescent, arguing is the opposite of lying."

From research on teens they asked the youth when and why they told the truth to their parents about things they knew their parents disapproved of. Occasionally teens told the truth because they knew a lie wouldn't fly - they would just be caught. Sometimes they told the truth because they felt obliged, saying, "They are my parents, I'm supposed to tell them."

BUT they found that the primary motivation that emerged was they told the truth in hopes that their parents might give in and say it was okay. They also found that in families where there was less deception, there was more arguing and complaining. Arguing was seen by the teens as good. They equated arguing with honesty. Parents saw arguing as being disrespectful and stressful. Teens saw arguing as an honest sharing of thinking and emotion. They saw it as a powerful means of communicating with their parents and being able to tell their parents what they thought.

The part of the brain that deals with judgment, decision making, delay of graddification, etc. is the prefrontal cortex. This is the part the is over-ridden with strong emotions, agitation and excitement. SURPRISE.

Having read this and looked at the research I shared the information with some teens that I know. They completely agreed with the research. Interesting! SO taking the two issues together it is important for parents to have few rules and more discussions with their teens on a variety of issues and to recognize that teens are still coming to grips with their thinking and emotions. My recommendation is that the next time your teen and you have an argument, when it is over give him or her a hug and thank them for sharing with you. Then go out for ice cream and have another discussion.

Transitioning beginning toddlers in child care

I was asked about what is the best way to transition a one-year-old from a daycare class they have been attending to a new classroom with new adult caregivers.  In this case the mother works as a teacher so she is home during the summer but has to pay for the child care spot even if it is not used in order to reserve it for the fall.

What works best is if the program has a plan in place to work through this transition.  Many programs do.  It would mean one of the child care staff that has a good relationship with your child would accompany him or her to the other classroom periodically in the weeks leading up to the transition.  Visits would last about 15 minutes to 1 hour.  Generally this would be done about 4 - 6 times.  The child would be free to interact and play with the other children and get accustom to the new adults.  Other one of the new adults will even come visit in the younger classroom a few times so that the children are comfortable. 

If the program does not have staffing or a transition plan then parents can fill this role as well by taking the child in for periods.  This needs to be in consultation with the staff of the new classroom.  Sometimes parents think that visiting during nap time is best, but this is often a time when the staff is trying to help get children settled down and they would prefer visits during a more active time where the child would be attracted to the activity.  Generally it works best if the parent that the child has the easiest time separating from is the one that pringes the child in for the visit.  If the child clings to mom, then it will only get worse if mom is the one that brings him or her in for the visit.

I would get a phone number from the parents after they started dropping of the child for short periods (about 2 hours) so that I could call the parent and reassure them about how their child is doing.  Otherwise the parent usually assumes that the child is upset the whole time.  Generally children settle down within about 10 - 12 minutes.

In the case of the parent that is mentioned above my recommendation was to have short times (about 2 hours each time about 3 times a week) where she takes her son in over the summer so that he gets use to the routine and the faces as well as the new surroundings. 

I encourage everyone to watch the video at the link posted below.  It is a TED talk on Slowing down in a world built for speed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhXiHJ8vfuk&feature=related

Boys, and where they go

Over the years I have been asked by many parents (okay, really just the Moms) about their boys and toilet issues, or more accurately the absence of proximity to the toilet.  Chief among these are the number of boys that will need to go #2 and rather than go into the bathroom they will find a corner out of the way and go in their pants.  Then they may try to change clothes ignore it or tell a parent.  This is most common for boys 3 - 4 years old and seems to impact about 10% of boys. 

Then there is the issue of going #1.  It might start at about 3 years old, but often this does not hit until they are 4 or even 5 years old when they go where the urge hits them.  Things to remember:

1.  Children of this age do no see the world as we do.  They think: "Water in, water out."  "Therefore it is okay for me to go water that plant."  They see a hole in the floor for the heating system and think, "Why go into the bathroom if I can just aim it down there.  It will disappear."  They will think:  "It will just evaporate."
2.  Children do not understand the consequences of their actions.  In much of their life if there was a problem cased by something they did, then their parent has taken care of it and so "if I have not been told not to do something then it must be okay or if not then Mom will fix it."

Look at your child's initial reaction when caught or confronted.  You are most likely to see one of two responses.  Confusion about what the problem is or embarrassment about being caught.  Confusion means they didn't know.  Embarrassment meant that they kind-of knew but didn't think it through.

Can you put an end to it or do you just have to live through it?  Yes you can change the behavior by providing the information that children lack and making sure that they know the reasons as well as the consequences.  Children are concrete learners so they need to do something physically to make things right.  Just telling them not to do something is not enough.  They need to make restitution in some way.  Of course they can't do everything but they can do a significant amount so that they think twice about it.

How to handle this:  This comes best from both parents.  "Billy, you went to the bathroom in the flower vase.  I am concerned because your pee is not the same as water and it will kill the flower (plant).  When you need to go to the bathroom where do you need to go?  Why do you need to go there to go to the bathroom?  How can I help you to remember the right place to go to the bathroom?  Where else is not a place that you should go to the bathroom?  Why? 

What you are doing is laying the groundwork for future discussions and looking for situations where the child might lack information or have wrong information.  When you find those then you know what you need to do.

Sometimes parents think that children act out in this way because they want attention, are seeking to show power or they are angry.  While this is possible it is least likely.  In the vast majority of cases it is because that is the way young boys sometimes process information.

What is the figure used regarding positive vs. negative interactions between parents and children?

I was asked about the issue of positive versus negative interactions between parents and children.  The statistic most commonly used is 8/10 interactions are negative and involve a cost to the child.  The result of a high number of negative interactions is children's selective listening.  If the child thinks that what he/she will hear is negative then they select to not pay attention.  The fix for this is to increase positive interactions so that they child will think that the massage being directed their way is more likely to be positive and so they will want to pay attention.

Children who don't listen

Situation:  I am a nanny for two boys ages 2 and 7 years old.  The two year old I am having no problems with so far but its the older boy I have been having problems with.  The problems I have with him I have also noticed that he is the same for his parents.  One he doesn't listen at all, I am constantly repeating myself over and over to get him to do what I ask. Another is he is constantly wiggling around the only time I have seen him sit still is when he is watching the tv.  Also he is constantly bothering his little brother to the point where his brother screams or ends up hitting him.  The mom and his step dad have set rules.

Answer:  You give a lot to respond to.  First, Listening is a learned skill and for a child who has developed "selective listening" it means retraining them.  The number one reason for selective listening at any age is that they are sure that they don't want to hear what is being directed their way.  Do a mini communication audit by making a simple chart.  Mark down how many interactions between the child and the parent or the child and yourself are positive and how many are negative.  an appropriate balance would be about 7 positive interactions for every 3 negative interactions.  Just because you are recording it you are more likely to make some more positive.  Also keep in mind that interactions that are neither positive or negative are usually interpreted by the child as being negative.  (What constitutes a negative interaction? - Any time that the child is being corrected, directed or managed.  What constitutes a positive interaction? - these are times where you reach out, ask questions, show support, smile, ask for help)

Parents and caregivers also need to know that it takes time to make changes and  you will be both impacting the way you normally interact as well as trying to overcome years of the child thinking they know what will happen.  These are the unwritten rules of communication.  It often happens that the child misbehaves intentionally because they would rather have the parenting style they are familiar with over the one that they don't know where it is going.

Another issue is if a child can function under two or more sets of rules.  The answer to that is yes, it helps if there are common expectations.  In families where children spend time in a care setting they very easily adapt.  I have had many parents that have visited my classroom who said, "How did you get her to behave so well?  We never see that child at home."  Children will live up to or down to the expectations.  They want attention more than any toy you could ever give them.

On the issue of fidgeting, wiggling, and picking on brother here are my thoughts.  Do you think he is doing it for attention? to show he has power/control over the brother? or because he is bored? or because he likes the contact?  Each of these would lead to a different answer and solution.  Another interesting this we see in today's children is that TV is programming children's brains on how much stimulation they feel they want and need.  They teach what is acceptable and not acceptable to an age of child who can not distinguish appropriateness themselves.  If the only time the child is calm is in front of the TV then the child is spending too much time in front of the TV.  he is not learning self restraint and self control.  Everything in his world is outside of himself and he needs help with getting away from the thing he likes the most and that parents often allow because it heps to calm them down.  In the end it is a steady spiral down and the long term impact is that the child will have increasingly greater difficulty.

Make a plan and work the plan.  It will take weeks and not days to see the change.